I feel a re-new happening in my spirit. I feel like a re-launch has happened or is happening. I am excited to go deeper in prayer, deeper in studying the Word, studying and looking to Jesus.
This has been a year where much was taken and lost. My mom passed away, my health and body from accident and grief, seeing others go through intense pain and struggle...but I feel a resurgence. A revival within. A pushing into, violently going after that which we already posses by faith. So my challenge and this post is about joining me. Become part of the Relaunch that will Release into the deeper things...believing and pushing into new levels, new completions, new faith, miracles and power.
You can join me as I read through the Bible and study, Come to the School of Prayer with City Gate Lancaster, take a prayer watch at City Gate Prayer Room. Re-Launch into Re-lease !
will you join me ?
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
it's time...
I haven't blogged for awhile. Not because I didn't want to. But I just couldn't. I tried. But after my mom passed away, I have been finding it hard to write, let alone do other things. But I miss it. I miss sharing with you what God is teaching me, showing me and doing in me.
This morning, I find it hard to hear the quiet. Snow is falling and it is so quiet. It falls so gently, so peacefully, so perfectly pure. But God is telling me, this is how he covers us with his love. Gently. Peacefully. Purely.
As I sit here surrounded by white lights on my Christmas tree, I am taking it all in. All the love, all the lessons, all the quiet. My prayer lately has been from Job: "God don't leave me - I will go through whatever you want for me, just please don't leave me".
You see, there are times in our lives when things just don't seem like they should. And not because we are in sin. We are actually pressing in. Pressing in to His Word, His presence, His promises. But yet, you find yourself pressing but no press back, no presence, promises seem unfulfilled. These are the times the quiet seems overwhelming. Almost deafening. So I sit here, listening, believing and knowing how loved I am in the midst of all of it.
It's almost like living in the Song of Solomon experience. Are we in this life just because He is beautiful. When someone asks us "Who is He more than others?", what do we respond? I want to be like the shulamite. In the midst of things just not seeming to be as they should, I want you to hear how much I love His eyes, flames of fire, His feet, His hair that is white as whole, His hands, His glory and majesty. He covers me with Him, this is love. He is love. He covers me with this. I don't want to just tell you what He has done for me, and it is awesome! But I want you to know Him. Because He is altogether lovely and perfect.
So today as we watch the snow falling so majestically, remember He doesn't leave us, even if things do not seem as they should.
Monday, October 14, 2013
my new normal...peace and grief
My mom died. September 19 at 9:48 in the morning. She left this world and entered heaven.
My new normal has begun.
Grief is really hard. I'm tired all the time. I don't want to do anything. I force myself to go out, or read, write or eat.
I know that God could have at any time raised her in healing here, for us to see. That would have been a good plan to me. But her body was declining and He gave her, her new glorified resurrected body that is now perfectly healed and whole. Its funny how that is suppose to make you feel good. And some times is does. But mostly to me, she is still dead and I am without her.
I'm just sad. So sad. I'm not mad, not even mad at God. I am more sad. Sad at God, at what could have been, but wasn't.
Peace and grief mingle.
Peace that she is at peace, and I have this hope in my Father God that he made her new, she went in glory and rest, but grief that I can no longer hold her hand, hear her say 'Kimberly Ann' with her twisted smirk and see her sitting in her chair praying.
It kills me to see my dad broken hearted. Being married 56 years, and to now be alone really stings. Death where is your sting? It's right here on the mourning side of heaven. Mom didn't face death, but I, my family did.
We stared it in the face. We sat, laid and talked with her right up til the last breath. It went so fast. That last breath.
Up to that point we were begging God to ease her suffering, to love her enough to 'take' her.
But then, begging to let her stay.
I have never felt so unloved in all my life. Knowing and trusting God and knowing He loves me, loves her..but feeling totally alone and unloved.
It is like an amputation. She was here, then she was not. But you can still feel everything about her. Smell her perfume, hear her struggling to breath. Then silence.
I remember coming home that night and just starring.
My ears hurt, they were ringing. I tried to tell Brian why I couldn't stand the silence, that it made my ears ring because I couldn't hear her breathing.
That heaving breathing we lived with for 3 days was now silence. And I just wanted it back.
I wanted her back. To be alive.
I keep seeing those final moments in my mind.
My brother Gary and I were alone with mom, each on a side of her. For some reason we noticed her breathing was changing and we both without a word bent down, each taking an ear and began to pray in the spirit in her ear. We watched her mouth form...maybe trying to pray with us or tell us..we don't know. But we prayed in the spirit in her ear. I called for the nurse, who rushed in, looked at me and smiled, telling us all that mom was about to leave. We all wanted part of her, so everyone touched her, spoke to her, prayed in her ear as the last breath came. Then silence. That shocked silence.
How did this just happen?
How could she have died. Knowing that she was declining and the doctors had told us she was passing. Knowing. But thinking this wasn't really happening.
Mom's should die. I guess I thought she would just live forever.
While we were all gathered in the living room, dad brought out her bible. Her very first bible that she wrote when she was saved and we saw how she wrote "there is no comfort, without the comforter. received the Spirit " and then the date was listed. Brian turned to me and said "do you see what you and Gary did? You spoke comfort from the comforter to her as she met him!"
That gives me peace and goosebumps. How the Holy Spirit guided us to pray with him to her. My mom taught us that. She was always praying in tongues. She taught us how. How amazing that we were able to pray to her the very thing she taught us.
We are finding very special things from her now. I letter she wrote 7 years to the date about dying.
All her notes in her bibles and teachings. I have been reading the books that became her platform for teaching the word. This does bring comfort. But it makes me miss her even more.
My new normal is now loving my dad. Not that I didn't love him before. But seeing him love her til the end. Lay with her, holding her hand. I saw love and humility to a degree that I will never forget. It is really hard to see him alone now. His other half is missing and he feels lost.
My mom would be so proud of how he is letting his kids love him. And how he is loving us back. He took me to lunch the other day. First time in all my life to be alone and have lunch with my dad.
Maybe the new normal is to have a new relationship with dad. To make sure he knows how much we love him, just like we loved her.
It has only been 3 weeks, and it is still really really hard. I cry all the time. Cry myself to sleep.
Cry when I go to my parents house. Cry when I'm with my brothers. Cry when I see her picture. Cry when I think this is going to be my first birthday without her. Cry as I write this.
Peace and grief are funny things.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.
My new normal has begun.
Grief is really hard. I'm tired all the time. I don't want to do anything. I force myself to go out, or read, write or eat.
I know that God could have at any time raised her in healing here, for us to see. That would have been a good plan to me. But her body was declining and He gave her, her new glorified resurrected body that is now perfectly healed and whole. Its funny how that is suppose to make you feel good. And some times is does. But mostly to me, she is still dead and I am without her.
I'm just sad. So sad. I'm not mad, not even mad at God. I am more sad. Sad at God, at what could have been, but wasn't.
 |
| My beautiful Helen Marie...Hellie...Mom |
Peace that she is at peace, and I have this hope in my Father God that he made her new, she went in glory and rest, but grief that I can no longer hold her hand, hear her say 'Kimberly Ann' with her twisted smirk and see her sitting in her chair praying.
It kills me to see my dad broken hearted. Being married 56 years, and to now be alone really stings. Death where is your sting? It's right here on the mourning side of heaven. Mom didn't face death, but I, my family did.
We stared it in the face. We sat, laid and talked with her right up til the last breath. It went so fast. That last breath.
Up to that point we were begging God to ease her suffering, to love her enough to 'take' her.
But then, begging to let her stay.
I have never felt so unloved in all my life. Knowing and trusting God and knowing He loves me, loves her..but feeling totally alone and unloved.
It is like an amputation. She was here, then she was not. But you can still feel everything about her. Smell her perfume, hear her struggling to breath. Then silence.
I remember coming home that night and just starring.
My ears hurt, they were ringing. I tried to tell Brian why I couldn't stand the silence, that it made my ears ring because I couldn't hear her breathing.
That heaving breathing we lived with for 3 days was now silence. And I just wanted it back.
I wanted her back. To be alive.
I keep seeing those final moments in my mind.
My brother Gary and I were alone with mom, each on a side of her. For some reason we noticed her breathing was changing and we both without a word bent down, each taking an ear and began to pray in the spirit in her ear. We watched her mouth form...maybe trying to pray with us or tell us..we don't know. But we prayed in the spirit in her ear. I called for the nurse, who rushed in, looked at me and smiled, telling us all that mom was about to leave. We all wanted part of her, so everyone touched her, spoke to her, prayed in her ear as the last breath came. Then silence. That shocked silence.
How did this just happen?
How could she have died. Knowing that she was declining and the doctors had told us she was passing. Knowing. But thinking this wasn't really happening.
Mom's should die. I guess I thought she would just live forever.
While we were all gathered in the living room, dad brought out her bible. Her very first bible that she wrote when she was saved and we saw how she wrote "there is no comfort, without the comforter. received the Spirit " and then the date was listed. Brian turned to me and said "do you see what you and Gary did? You spoke comfort from the comforter to her as she met him!"
That gives me peace and goosebumps. How the Holy Spirit guided us to pray with him to her. My mom taught us that. She was always praying in tongues. She taught us how. How amazing that we were able to pray to her the very thing she taught us.
We are finding very special things from her now. I letter she wrote 7 years to the date about dying.
All her notes in her bibles and teachings. I have been reading the books that became her platform for teaching the word. This does bring comfort. But it makes me miss her even more.
My new normal is now loving my dad. Not that I didn't love him before. But seeing him love her til the end. Lay with her, holding her hand. I saw love and humility to a degree that I will never forget. It is really hard to see him alone now. His other half is missing and he feels lost.
My mom would be so proud of how he is letting his kids love him. And how he is loving us back. He took me to lunch the other day. First time in all my life to be alone and have lunch with my dad.
Maybe the new normal is to have a new relationship with dad. To make sure he knows how much we love him, just like we loved her.
It has only been 3 weeks, and it is still really really hard. I cry all the time. Cry myself to sleep.
Cry when I go to my parents house. Cry when I'm with my brothers. Cry when I see her picture. Cry when I think this is going to be my first birthday without her. Cry as I write this.
Peace and grief are funny things.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
at His feet
you have to really love someone to rub their feet.
think about it.
feet aren't the cleanest of the body.
yet Mary of Bethany, with her beautiful, just washed hair...(probably the kind of hair you see on
all the shampoo commercials).
she kneels down and kisses His feet.
and you know His feet where dirty. He even tells the host "you didn't offer water to wash my feet".
so there He sits, dirty feet from walking in the dust.
and she kneels down face to feet.
it puts a whole new perspective to "how beautiful are the feet of Him who brings good news" doesn't it?
there she is, weeping over His feet. letting the tears streak the dust on his precious feet.
it must have been a down pour of tears, to wash His feet with her tears, to clean them from the debris of the day.
you really have to love someone to wash their dirty feet.
when she was satisfied that the dust was gone, she begins to dry them with her hair. I don't think she did it gently either. she really tried them. her hair became the towel. her hair absorbed the tears and the dust until the feet where clean.
ahh
and then
she reaches into her pocket, or maybe a satchel and pulls out this little jar. the alabaster box. this extremely costly, fine textured, maybe translucent gypsum or maybe white marble.
alabaster was very expensive, and if a person bought an alabaster box, it was only used for very important purposes.
so the box itself was costly.
but the oil inside was even more so
perhaps a years wage or worth inside
and she dumps it.
she pours it out all over his just cleaned feet
you really have to love someone to waste extravagance on their feet
she risks it all
she gives it all
she waste it all
on His feet
do we?
do we risk it all
do we give it all
do we waste it all
at His feet..
think about it.
feet aren't the cleanest of the body.
yet Mary of Bethany, with her beautiful, just washed hair...(probably the kind of hair you see on
all the shampoo commercials).
she kneels down and kisses His feet.
and you know His feet where dirty. He even tells the host "you didn't offer water to wash my feet".
so there He sits, dirty feet from walking in the dust.
and she kneels down face to feet.
it puts a whole new perspective to "how beautiful are the feet of Him who brings good news" doesn't it?
there she is, weeping over His feet. letting the tears streak the dust on his precious feet.
it must have been a down pour of tears, to wash His feet with her tears, to clean them from the debris of the day.
you really have to love someone to wash their dirty feet.
when she was satisfied that the dust was gone, she begins to dry them with her hair. I don't think she did it gently either. she really tried them. her hair became the towel. her hair absorbed the tears and the dust until the feet where clean.
ahh
and then
she reaches into her pocket, or maybe a satchel and pulls out this little jar. the alabaster box. this extremely costly, fine textured, maybe translucent gypsum or maybe white marble.
alabaster was very expensive, and if a person bought an alabaster box, it was only used for very important purposes.
so the box itself was costly.
but the oil inside was even more so
perhaps a years wage or worth inside
and she dumps it.
she pours it out all over his just cleaned feet
you really have to love someone to waste extravagance on their feet
she risks it all
she gives it all
she waste it all
on His feet
do we?
do we risk it all
do we give it all
do we waste it all
at His feet..
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